So, RIGHT before my yearly pilgrimage to Shenandoah's for the summer, I saw the school consoler. I was against it, but it was insisted.... and it was either that or anti-depressants. I went. She said the same thing as every consoler. She listened to me tell what's been going on...and I honestly don't think she took me seriously. She nodded her head when I looked at her and didn't speak until I was done. At the end of everything, her big conclusion was, "I think you're having signs of depression." She told me that she would talk to this guy at RU. She said he's a professional. "I'm finally going to get help." I thought. Wrong. The last day of school, she called me in and said that it would have to wait until next school year. Wow, that's just great to tell someone..."Sorry, but your problems will have to wait." Well, sorry, but they've waited 3 years already! Maybe THIS is why I'm so desperate to find someone. Maybe this is why all I want is affection....or attention (which ever one comes first) (they never come together). I'm not looking for answers...I just want someone to understand....someone to say it's going to be okay. I mean, I know everything around me is fine, but I"M NOT. The world doesn't revolve around me, I know.
Do you know how much it sickens me to think of myself? My problems don't matter, I'm a fat slob, I don't follow through with my health, I despise everyone around me....I'm disgusting. Yeah, I've been called beautiful, and everyone tells me I'm not fat, but I wish I could believe it. And I know what you're going to say to this, "Stop complaining, get up and actually DO something." I have no motivation. I have no reason to go out there...and besides, the outdoor world scares me.
ONE person, EVER, has known this about me, but, my biggest dream in life is to be a dancer. When I see people dancing, it captures my heart like nothing else. I get this feeling, that makes me smile....and I get so captivated. Dancing really is what makes me happy, but there's ropes holding me back. One of these ropes reads, "145 lbs." I could never be a dancer at my weight. Another one says, "No experience." The people you see, on TV, and on stage have been dancing their entire lives. There's no way I could ever start now. So, I guess I'm just going to be an English teacher for now...that's close, right?
If all fails, I at least want to get this weight off of me...I actually want to be loved some day.
