Friday, June 3, 2011

I've never been so personal with a computer

So, RIGHT before my yearly pilgrimage to Shenandoah's for the summer, I saw the school consoler.  I was against it, but it was insisted.... and it was either that or anti-depressants. I went. She said the same thing as every consoler. She listened to me tell what's been going on...and I honestly don't think she took me seriously. She nodded her head when I looked at her and didn't speak until I was done. At the end of everything, her big conclusion was, "I think you're having signs of depression." She told me that she would talk to this guy at RU. She said he's a professional. "I'm finally going to get help." I thought. Wrong. The last day of school, she called me in and said that it would have to wait until next school year. Wow, that's just great to tell someone..."Sorry, but your problems will have to wait." Well, sorry, but they've waited 3 years already! Maybe THIS is why I'm so desperate to find someone. Maybe this is why all I want is affection....or attention (which ever one comes first) (they never come together). I'm not looking for answers...I just want someone to understand....someone to say it's going to be okay. I mean, I know everything around me is fine, but I"M NOT. The world doesn't revolve around me, I know. 
   Do you know how much it sickens me to think of myself? My problems don't matter, I'm a fat slob, I don't follow through with my health, I despise everyone around me....I'm disgusting. Yeah, I've been called beautiful, and everyone tells me I'm not fat, but I wish I could believe it. And I know what you're going to say to this, "Stop complaining, get up and actually DO something." I have no motivation. I have no reason to go out there...and besides, the outdoor world scares me. 
    ONE person, EVER, has known this about me, but, my biggest dream in life is to be a dancer. When I see people dancing, it captures my heart like nothing else. I get this feeling, that makes me smile....and I get so captivated. Dancing really is what makes me happy, but there's ropes holding me back. One of these ropes reads, "145 lbs." I could never be a dancer at my weight. Another one says, "No experience." The people you see, on TV, and on stage have been dancing their entire lives. There's no way I could ever start now. So, I guess I'm just going to be an English teacher for now...that's close, right? 
      If all fails, I at least want to get this weight off of me...I actually want to be loved some day.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

<div style="width: 400; text-align: center; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><p style="margin-right: 0; margin-left: 0; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #7F0000;"><b>Nancy Pelosi</b><br>Circle I Limbo</p><p style="margin-right: 10; margin-left: 10; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #8F0000;"><b>DMV Employees</b><br>Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind</p><p style="margin-right: 20; margin-left: 20; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #9F0000;"><b>Democrats</b><br>Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow</p><p style="margin-right: 30; margin-left: 30; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #AF0000;"><b>Osama bin Laden</b><br>Circle IV Rolling Weights</p><p style="margin-right: 40; margin-left: 40; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #BF0000;"><b>Hipsters</b><br>Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled</p><p style="border-style: solid none; border-color: black; background: white; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;">River Styx</p><p style="margin-right: 50; margin-left: 50; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #CF0000;"><b>Goths</b><br>Circle VI Buried for Eternity</p><p style="border-style: solid none; border-color: black; background: white; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0;">River Phlegyas</p><p style="margin-right: 60; margin-left: 60; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #DF0000;"><b>Barack Obama</b><br>Circle VII Burning Sands</p><p style="margin-right: 70; margin-left: 70; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #EF0000;"><b>Jerry Falwell</b><br>Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement</p><p style="margin-right: 80; margin-left: 80; margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0; background: #FF0000;"><b>NAMBLA Members</b><br>Circle IX Frozen in Ice</p><p><a href="http://www.gaydeceiver.com/misc/hell/" style="color: red;">Design your own hell</a></p></div>

Saturday, May 21, 2011

For Charlotte

She couldn't figure out life. She wanted answers as to what lay ahead. My guess was that she had no one to guide her. During dinner one night, I had it on the tip of my tongue, the proposal, when she told me she wanted to kill herself. You can guess what happened to the ring. If you want it, reader, it's in the back of the blue shoe box, on the floor of the closet. That night, when we got home, she went right for the kitchen. I stood in the doorway, starring at her shape in the moonlight. I didn't approach her becasue I thought everything was going to be ok. I slipped into bed, nude, and cold, holding myself in the fetal position. Everyone gets comfort when they go back to their roots. When I awoke the following morning, I could almost smell what awaited me down stairs. When I turned the corner, to go down the last three steps, my toe slid in projectile vomit. I starred, not at my foot, but at the wall in front of me. I didn't want to be a witness of her last moment. As I poceeded in the kitchen, I found what I was only expecting. I stood by her motionless body exactly like I would if we were one. My legs strattled her hips as I looked into her paralized eyes. She looked at me the same way she did at dinner. I picked up the knife beside her, and traced her wound while I fantasized about Romeo and Juliette. I took the knife and put it in the sink. Before leaving her, I thought of her. I thought of the feeling of satisfaction I got when I knew her eyes were shut tight, the trust she had for me when we kissed, no, I'll never forget it. And the way her tongue was always eager to slip into mine, I'll never forget that either. It got to the point when I knew her body wash. Rose petal. I can still smell it while my hands slowly moved down her body, stopping in the deep vallies of her curves. I looked at her, her eyes closed, her breathing getting heavier, seeing the residue of the day, float off her body and into our barren history. I would lay her down as if it were in slow motion, and take the time to study her hair , hanging down as I bent her over. I took her clothes off, I felt her cold, lonely hand explore it's way down my back. I still hear her French, "Baisse-moi!" "Baisse-moi!" until I would force my warm, wet tongue in her mouth. I still hear her moaning, I still feel the vibrations, I still taste her skin.
Reader, you have my promise that this was not in vein. This was an example of how love takes over someone's body. Reader, whether you're a family memeber or a stranger, please don't cry, mourn, or feel sorrow. I am happy now.

Johnnie. 

She's not breathing

I don't know what I'm going to do. I find myself in this wierd state where people, and voices make me nervous. When I go to rub my eyes, my ears feel like a 6 ft. man is standing beside me. Can you tell me what to do? How to stop writing like Im an eager 13 year old, girl waiting to be noticed. And the most astonishing part of this, is that, I walk, and I hear nothing. My sight is locked and when I arrive at a destination, I hear people say to me, "You look like you just saw a ghost." Maybe i did, you know?Maybe words are ghosts....Is that why they haunt us so? In your dreams, you see yourself, maybe regretting something you said, or still living the moment where everything you said was classified as "perfect." Different days yeild different results. You would know if you actully lived....instead of just sitting and wishing. 
Wishing can;t be living. I don;t care who the hell started this crazy of wishing upon a star, but it's getting out of control. I mean, nowadays, you have these same 13 year old girls, looking up at innocent airplanes, lying to themselves just so they have an excuse to wish. On your birthday, do you still blow out the candles? Well, how about this, on your birthday, before you blow out the candles, do you do the whole cliche thing of squinting your eyes to wish "extra hard"? For me, it's the tiny piece of my childhood I still get to experience once a year. At least I try not to miss it. 
Why is it that I can see the future, but not the past? I mean, I can write EVERYTHING I expect for my future, and have it right in front of my face, but when I try to write my past, something happens. I get that lump in the back of my throat, I can't move, and yes, my knees get a little shaky. It's just the past! The past is the past!......wait, something about that dosen't sound right. What human being can have the audasity to just write that, blow it over their sholder and forget about their 7th birthday, or the time Uncle Jim had to get you down from the tree in the back yard? 
Sometimes, I like to tell myself that that's how I feel alive. I take something to my heart and poke at it a few times. If something, such as a tear or two comes out, I know my heart is still responsive, and Im still fighting.....
_____________________________________
Megan's not ok. 

His heart-torn jacket

Maybe if I was to blame, I wouldn't cry
and maybe if evidence was shared,
she wouldn't be so afraid.

I was poor
with nothing but a used,
forest green jacket to put over me at night
and the ocean water.

My jacket toppled over me, 
laying motionless,
until the morning sun
crawled through the open airways
to tell me to get up.

And maybe if I had confidence,
she would see past
the holes in that jacket
and my body.

And maybe I was wrong
to tell her....
And maybe I was wrong to think....
And maybe I was wrong 
to dream of....

Sure, I spent too many nights in a catholic church
or two,
praising that my jacket would be repaired
with the most honesty.

And sure I bought my way out of the city
with a hooker named Ginger

but it never harmed my jacket
because I was never outside.

And maybe i was wrong to hold
and maybe I was too strong to hold

and that's why you ripped my jacket,
just so I could never properly wear it agian.

Misunderstanding

The screen opens to see the scene of a park in late fall. Leaves are falling off the trees, people are sitting at benches drinking coffee and reading newspapers. The focus is shifted to a teenage girl, holding a photography camara, taking multiple pictures of her surroundings. The camara follows her as she walks from tree to tree as she starts narrating. 

April: "I was just 17, with the world in front of me. Running, skipping, and diving for the opportunity to have the world give me the lable of an elite person. A person in society that is worshiped and loved by thousands of others. One who is praised. One who is a savior."

The screen goes black, to a frame which says, "Three years earlier."

The setting is in a old apartament. Every wall is white and chipping. The couches are old, there's no tv, and the dining room is filled with piles of mail. Several children run around, yelling and playing tag. An older woman sits on a wooden stool in the living room. April enters in the front door. 

April: "Mom, you have to do something! John and Annie are out there, digging holes all over the yard!"

Mom: "April, when are you going to learn, they're kids. Kids are goin' to do what kids want. Im wastin' my energy just thinking about 'em."

April walks over, and drops a stack of mail on her mom's lap, stands there, and looks at her.

Mom: "What the hell is this"

April: "What do you think mom?"

The mom opens on of the letter, ans holds it up closely to her face. She starts to mumble the words she reads."

Mom: "Oh, April, don't start this shit again! I'm tired of hearing about it!"

April: "Mom! you didn't even read all of it! See,-"

April grabs the paper and points to the bottom

April: "It says, right here, it says, for the first app..."

April looks closer, and tries to figure out the letter.

April:"It says the first app... app- li.... Momma, what's this word?

Mom: "Applicants April! Applicants."

April:" It says the first of those get 10% off for the school."

Mom: "April, I'm not hearing it anymore. You're not goin' to no damn art school! I don't know who got it into your head, or gave you these ideas, but you tell 'em I said no! Now, I don't want anymore of this coming through this house!"

April: "Wha? What? Who could I talk to? You keep me in this house everyday!"

Mom: "Now, April, don't say that. I just let you go check the mail from across the street." Whispering- "Which was a bad idea."

The mom gets up from the chair, and walks over to the door. She pokes her head out, to see the damage the children made.

Mom: "Those children are going to be the death of me."

The mom closes the door and procedes into the kitchen. She opens the door to the refridgerator to see what's inside. After  few seconds of looking, the pone rings. The mother immediatly runs the the phone to pick it up, and starts to talk. She motions for April to get out of her chair. April does so, and goes into the kitchen and starts to fix dinner.

While cutting and apple, she looks up to a tiny portrait of Jesus hanging on the wall. She starts to whisper to herself.

April: Jesus, what would you do? In church, they always tell us how you preform all these miricales for people. I was thinking I could use one of those too. My preacher always tells us that we never know when one's going to come. He says it's up to us to find the miricales in life. I always get confused because there's no way there's a miricale in this house, nope! I guess what I'm trying to say is, please, [She closes her eyes] give e one of those miricales. I always go
to church. I'm there every Wednesday and Sunday. I'm a good person..."

April's mom yells from the other room.

Mom: "You better be in there makin' dinner!"

April:" I am momma!" 

April grabs a pizza box from the refridgerator, opens it, and puts the peices of leftover pizza in the microwave. Three children run in the kitchen.

April: " John, Annie, we're having dinner, grab your plates, I'll pour you milk. 

John: "I don't want milk!"

Annie:"Yeah, No milk!"

Both of the children start yelling, "No milk! No milk!"

Mom:"April! You better be givin' them milk!"

April:" I am momma"

Her mom enters the kitchen.

Mom:"John, Annie, who's your friend?"

Annie:" Kenny! He lives over there!" [Pointing to the window.]

Mom: "Hm, the Ciecel's must've moved."

April: "Dinner!"

Mom: "Oh, don't tell me it's that damn pizza!"

April:" Momma, It's the only thing we had."

Mom: "Ah, hell, like I believe that!" 

She grabs a couple of pieces and walks out. 

The screen fades and then opens to April in her bed. The room is only lit from the moon shinning through the window. Her bed is against the wall, beside another bed with the children  in it. 

April: "God, please, I would do anything to go to the school. I mean, I'm good, arent I? Momma might not like what I do, but you love every body right? Oh, I sure do hope so. At least that's what they tell me in church. 
April closes her eyes and the screen goes black. 


A new scene opens, with the sun shinning in on April's bed. She wakes up to smell bacon cooking. The children's bed is messed up, and they've already gotten up. She hears a mans voice. Her brown, faded hair is tangled, and she stumbles while trying to get her blue jeans on. She wallks into the living room to find her mother sharing a piece of bacon with a man on the couch. 

April:" Momma?"
The mom laughs hysterically with the man, and doesn't turn her head.

April:"Momma!" 

Mom: "Oh, good morning." 

She turns her head back to the man. April turns back to her room and shuts the door. She grabs a tee-shirt hanging out of the broken dresser beside her bed. She quickly tied her hair back and grabbed her house key.
From her bed, she jumped up to the the window, barely hanging on, she pulled herself up, and through the window. She ran briskly out of the neighborhood, keeping an eye out for the children or any of their friends. After a 15 minute walk on the highway, she made it to the city. 

April walked down the sidewalk in the crowded city. The camara follows her as she turns down several sidewalks. Strret vendors came and go, yelling anout neww skin care products and hot food items.
She comes to a store with its door open. There are a few people inside, looking closely at the expenssive camaras and lenses inside the lit, glasss cases. She starts looking intently too, when a tall, older getleman looks over from the other side of the store.

[The gentleman is wearing a brown suit. He is balding, and in his mid- 30's.]

Gentleman: "Excuse me, miss. May I help you find something?"

April:" Oh, no. I'm just looking."

Gentleman:" Well, are you interested in something?"

April:"Not, really...I'm just looking."

Gentleman:"I understand that, but if you're in my store, shouldn't there be a reason? You must be interested in something."

April lifts her eyes from the counter, and meets with his face.

April: " Um- I was.."

She stares out the door.

April."I was leaving."

She started towards the door.

Gentleman: "Are you interested in photography?"

April stops before she gets to her second step towards the door.

Apirl: "Yeah, I really like it."

Gentleman: "Well, photography isn't just something you can like."

He starts to laugh a little.

Gentleman: "If you love it, it will love you back."

April stands there, starring at the mans buldging chest.

Gentleman:" Come this way, I'll show you."

The man leads April to a back room in the store. The room is tiny, filled with pictures and broken camaras.

Gentleman: " You can go through every one of these pictures, and I can honestly tell you that every one o them had passion, love, and truth behind them."

April: "And how do you know that?"

Gentleman: "Because they're all my pictures, and these are the camara's I took them with."

He picks up a broken camara lense off of the desk.

Gentleman:"Used these camaras so much, every single one of 'em broke."

April: "Wow, this is an awful lot of pictures."

The man laughs.

Gentleman:"So, by the looks of you, you don't own a camara, do you?"

April: "No, my mom won't let me."

Gentleman:"Ah, adults, who needs 'em, right?"

April giggles to herself. 

Gentleman:"You know, I could let you borrow one of my camaras..."

April:"Wait, really?! You would really let me take one?"

The smile on her face got bigger.

Gentleman:"Hey, why not? I have a store full of camaras, I can spare one."

He grinned and looked April in her eyes.

Gentleman: "But only on one condition

April's eyes widened with excitement.

Gentleman: "I want you to bring back the pictures you take, so I can witness all of your talent."

April:"Really? That's all I have to do?"

Gentleman:"Yep. Now, let me go get you that camara."

The man walks out of the room. April looks around at the pictures. All of them are women, posing. Some are tateful nudes, others are of smaller girls, smiling at the camara. 

He returns to the room, with a small, black case with the letter A on it. 

Gentleman:"Now let me show you how all of this works."

He opens the case to reveal a big, proffessional camara, lenses, and other equiptment. April zones out and doesn't hear what the man is telling her. She just stares at the case.

Gentleman:"And, in conclusion, I'll just let you carry on with the picture taking since you didn't just hear a single word I said."

April looks up to the man smiling at her.

April:"I..I was listening."

Gentleman:"Mhm. Now go on-"

Gentleman:"Oh, and don't you forget what I told you."

April:"I won't. Thank you! Thank you!"

April skips cheerfully out of the store, with the case swinging from her hand. The camara follows her while she runs to the park. In the park, she finds a bench, sits down the equiptment and tries to figure it out. she puts the lense on the camara, and points it to a tree. She then takes her first picture. 

She goes through the park taking picture after picture of everything she can find. The camara fades out. 
It's night time, and as April sneaks up on her house, she notices all of the lights are on, and yelling. She carfully climbs in her window, walks over to the door in her room, and peeps out.

She see's her mom, the children, and the strange man, all playing a board game. With the satisfaction of the day, she lays down, and goes to sleep.

April wakes up to the sound of pounding on her door. She gets up, confused, and opens it to find a police officer.

Officer:"Is your name April Kursh?"

April:"Yes, officer, what's wrong?"

Officer:"I'm sorry to inform you, but, you're sister, Annie, went missing late last night. We're guessing around 2 A.M.

Now, I apologize for the circumstance, but I'm wondering if you could give us any information."

April's eyes start flowing with tears. She starts to shake. The officer kneels down a little.

Officer:"I'm terribly sorry, April. But, don;t you worry, We'll find your sister. We just need the information  to do so."

April:"I understand."

With each word, April starts sobbing more. She can see her mom, being hugged by the strange man on the couch behind the police officer.

April turned, and shut her door so she could get dressed. She walked towards the dresser, and tried to put her pants on without trembling. 

The next clip shows April, sitting in a room, with a big, muscular man sitting across from her at a table. 

Detective:"Where were you last night? Home?

April:"Yes."

Detective:"And, you saw your sister the entire time you were home?"

April:"Yes."

Detective:"What time did you, your brother and your sister go to bed?"

April:"I'm not sure. I went to bed early."

Detective:"And did you hear any disturbances during the night?"

April:"No, sir, I did not."

Detective:"Well, do you have anything that could tell us where Annie would be?"

April:"My mom's being seeing this man for a couple of days. She never told me his name. I think he might be with my mom right now. I've seen him looking stangely at my sister before."

Detective:"And you're thinking he might be a suspect?"

April:"He's not just a suspect. I know he did it."

Detective:"And how does he know your mom?"

April:"They're seeing each other. He's been staying at our house."

Detective:"Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?"

April:"No, sir, that is all."

The scene is ended when the detective closes his brief case, then a new scene opens with an attorney opening a brief case. 

The room is quiet as the the scene opens wider, showing an entire court room. 
April's mom is seen sitting with her son and April. The rest of the audience is empty. April's mom is crying while April sits there, comforting her mom. The word guilty is said by the judge as his gavel echos through the room. 
The strange man is escorted out of the room. The lawyers exit, as Aprils mom sits, and sobs in the chair.

April:"It's going to be ok, mom. It's all ok, momma."

April rubs her moms back. 

The camara zooms out of the room, and cuts to the next scene. A picture drops on a wooden desk.

Gentleman:"Dammit! You mean, they thought it was ME?"

April:"Yes, but I completly covered. The case is closed. done."
The man stares at April. 

Gentleman:"Good. Now, leave."

April:"What? Do you not see these pictures? They'll sell like hot cakes!"

Gentleman:"Yeah, hot cakes, whatever-"

Gentleman:"Listen, you say nothing to any cop, actually, say nothing to no one. You take your little, cute pictures of...of-"

April:"Trees?"

Gentleman:"Yeah, trees. April, there's something I've been meaning to ask you actually."

April:"I can stop taking pictures of trees."

Gentleman:"No, it's not that."


The man closed the door begind him.

Gentleman:"Would you consider yourself an adult?"

April:"Well, I'm not sure. I'm 17. Don;t you have to be 18 to be an Adult?"

Gentleman:"Well, not exactly. Would you like to be an adult?"
April:"I can;t just turn into an adult."

Gentleman:"Good point, but you can act like one, no?"

April:"Well, of course."

Gentleman:"Good, because I need you to start doing adult things now."

April:"Are you promoting me?"

Gentleman:"Yes, yes, promoting."

The man walked over to April and lifted her off of the ground, on to the table. his hands started moving up and down her body.

April:"No, please, I didn't mean it that way."

Gentleman:"But, April, this is what adults do. You're an Adult, right?"

April:"Yes, sir."

Gentleman:"Good. Go along with what your body tells you to do. It's natural."

The screen goes black and a scream is heard. 

The screen focuses on a tree in the fall. April is seen taking pictures with a camara. Across the screen, it says, 3 years later.

April:"At 17, you never really know what a savior is, or what a mirical is. It reigns true that you never know what a miricle is. The miricle in my life was the strange man, Ron. He married my mother and sent me to art school. But, most of all, he sent the gentleman to jail."